i will never be good enough so i won't even try

i remember before i had this crush on a co-worker. it wasn't obsession; i still had full control of my mental faculties and even if i had stalker tendencies, i didn't consider it destructive. like i said, i still was very much sane. it didn't feel like i was going to die without him. besides, how can you kill someone who's already dead?

the feeling that i have now for this co-worker is much similar to that, except for the stalking part. but i know myself enough to know that like all other beings i have come to know and appreciate, the feeling for him is fleeting unless i actually get to know him and understand the workings of his mind. then we become friends and it ends there. so the feeling becomes no more than potential energy.

it's not worth it. i can try but something inside me tells me i shouldn't even begin to, because it may all be in vain. you will just go on living your life and you'll come and go and it won't ever mean a thing because you won't even notice that i exist. i will be left with all of the things i should've said had i not been too proud or scared to take the risk of saying three little words that won't even mean a thing to the object they are directed to. i've heard it all before. it has happened more than enough times to make me wasted and despondent. it just brings me back to being cold and unfeeling and empty.

i feel numb already and i haven't tried to fight the battle. even if you show me signs that you might learn to appreciate me the way i do you, it will never come to that. we will be friends, it is not hard. i've never had trouble making friends. it's keeping the feeling locked inside for the friend that i have difficulty with. especially when the friend is perfect. you and i will be friends, and you're already perfect. so do the math because i hate it.

i feel like a voyeur when i look at you too, and more. i find myself quoting myself (because the feeling is the same, you just happen to be way too perfect unlike the last guy):

too many people want you. they all want a piece of you. all i want is just, hell, i don't even know what i want from you. probably an opportunity. to talk. to walk. to listen to music or watch a movie. to do something relevant other than the things we do together now. that's it. that's what i want to do if i get the chance to actually be with you. just you. to touch you. hug you. kiss you. love you.

yes, that's how i feel for you. the same way i felt for him and red and boom and johno and jade and link and all the other men (and women) in my life to whom i've felt connected to but didn't try because it was seriously a precious waste of time and energy to try to convert all that glorious potential energy to movement. a friendship would be ruined, budding or otherwise already flourishing; it's not fucking worth it.

i won't even try to change. like i have said, i've heard it all before, it has happened too many times that i already know how damned it is before it even actually happens. i will never be fucking good enough, there will always be some flaw that will keep you from me and i will be destroyed again and again and again and frankly, i'm too tired to rationalize all these ideas in my head. and do you have any idea what's in my head right now?

it's you, you fucking idiot, all you.

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
-Damien Rice, The Blower's Daughter

*originally posted on http://thisismyownshit.blogspot.com